A. found a collection of items on the driveway this morning: one caster wheel, a roll of paper towels, some electric cable zip ties, a toe nail clipper, some screwdriver bits, a lock tumbler, a valve housing and a few fittings, a spark plug, a few drywall screws, a dental hook thingy, and other seemingly random items. Since we’d risk puncturing our tires if we were to drive over the screws, I bagged up all the flotsam and jetsam and tossed them into the trashcan outside. About a half-an-hour later, a guy rang the doorbell and asked me where all the stuff from the driveway had disappeared to. Another shorter more agitated dude then walked up and asked if I’d seen a toolbox and a wheeled cart. Apparently the shorter guy had gotten into a Valentine’s Day quarrel with his lady friend last night, and this led to a select portion of his possessions being strewn about on our driveway.

They were insistent on getting back the stuff I’d thrown out, and I assured them that it wasn’t a problem and that I’d come out to get it for them. They started to repeat that they really needed the stuff, and I interrupted rather grouchily, “DUDE! I’m coming out!” I bent down to slip on my shoes, and when I stood up they’d disappeared around the corner and they had started helping themselves to the trash. When I caught up with them, they’d found the bag of stuff and were about to open a bag of our kitchen garbage when I told them it’d just been the one bag. They relented and headed back to their Dodge, bag in hand; the shorter one said to me that the toolbox had contained thousands of dollars worth of tattoo equipment. I muttered, “well if they turn up...” and I trailed off and shrugged because nothing will turn up at my house.

Oh, the toe nail clipper in the driveway was in good shape, and ours has an underbite. So I’d cleaned, disinfected, and kept the one I found before the guys had shown up. I doubt anyone will come back asking about the clipper, but if they do I’ll claim ignorance and point the finger at the girlfriend.

Dear Jimmy,

I made the house out of garbage in the back yard for a couple (very good) reasons so don’t let your mom tear it down. I know she’s gonna try so don’t let her. One reason I made it is cause the deserts of France, people make houses out of cow dung. Don’t laugh, now. TV said it don’t stink too bad cause it gets all hot in the sun and dries out and next thing you know it don’t stink at all. Trust your daddy on this one. When that garbage gets good and hot this summer, it’ll do the same. Just you wait.

I made that little house for you and those kids I saw you playing with the other day. Y’all can have a party or something. Don’t you let them boss you round none, hear? It’s your Goddamn house and I made it for you. You tell them that. Tell them I’ll come back and kick all their Goddamn asses. Daddy’s only gonna be gone for a while, ok? See, he’s got some real good ideas that are gonna take off once he gets somewhere people don’t treat you like shit for trying.

Your mama’s gonna tell you a lot of stuff about me when I’m gone and I’ll tell you it’s all a bunch of goddamn bullshit. I never hurt nobody, least of all her. Any of the stuff that happened to me, the drinking and all that, wasn’t because I meant to hurt nobody or nothing. I tried to stop a bunch of times and I even quit once for 8 weeks. I would have kept quit too if it wasn’t for all those fellas down at Kelsey’s Corner getting me back into shit. Well, I can’t rightly say that my drinking was all those guys’ fault - your lying bitch of a mother had something to do with it too. And I’ll go ahead and say that yeah I do like drugs, ok? I don’t care. I admit it. I fucking love drugs and there’s nothing wrong with that if you can handle them. I would have had no problem at all but there’s always somebody trying to wreck shit for you. People got too much damn game in this town which is why I have to go now.  I don’t owe anybody shit, so don’t let your mama talk that kind of trash, ok? I don’t know who keeps calling her and talking about doing shit to your dad. I never done anybody wrong and I especially never ambushed no one. Ok? No one.

Daddy will be back for you as soon as he can, and he’s gonna take you off in his car and we’re gonna get ice cream and show you what the good life is all about, ok? Just you wait, son.

Remember that your daddy’s a good man. I love you.

Daddy

p.s. I’m pretty sure that Kevin Tyler is gonna be coming around to see your mom so tell him fuck you and he’s an asshole for me. Just kidding.

The latest installment of our blog meme, five questions, has BishopX interviewing Spazmo:

1. Who would you say has most shaped your life?

My first thought here was to list all the men who helped me define who I am. Who did I model myself after? Who allowed me to develop more distinct lines that define the various aspects of who I am, thus making me better equipped to respond to new situations with a psychotic lack of self-doubt. But as an aging prick once put it, the key to being creative is not to reveal your sources. So I said “fuggit” and went online looking for funny quotes from obscure people that would make you think I’m well-read.  I though of Lin Chi (Lin–Chee) who said “When you meet the Buddha on the road – kill him.” But That made me think of Carrot-Top and so I turned on the TV to get that out of my mind. Then I remembered Master Xiangming Zhang (See-Three-Pee-Oh) who said something about puddles. After that I got bored and tried to sleep. Then I thought that maybe I should tell the truth.

The truth is that I don’t remember who my original sources for myself were and it wouldn’t matter much anyway if I didn’t have very good friends and mostly-well-intentioned family who have helped me be in the position I am today – sober and relatively stable. In particular, Lady P has been the first and best support I’ve ever had in getting cleaned up and actually living my life as opposed to existing day-to-day, which is what I did for 22 years. So I’m actually happy now, and I owe her a lot. I owe a lot to my friends who have helped me out. And that’s more heartfelt than talking about Benjamin Franklin or Steve Albini.

2. What is the most emotionally draining/uplifting experience you’ve had?

I remember crying when I left Africa. Quietly. In a manly way, though. I cried not because of the bad things I’d seen there, or because I felt sorry for people, but because it generally hurt me to leave. Friendliness is a sort of African cultural trait and there was a warmth and a kindness there that, despite the poverty, disease and harshness I was going to miss very much. This was made worse because I was going back to England, where cuntiness is a cultural trait.

3. Choose which one turns you on most and tell why: butt, boobs or brains.

I like butts and I don’t know why.

4. If you could bring anyone back to life, who would it be?

My initial answer was “my own penis,” but I’ve lowered my SSRI dose, and he seems to be waking up all on his own. Say hi to the good people!

5. Do you have any interesting fetishes? And does Lady P indulge them?

See, now that’s an interesting question, because it depends on what your definition of ‘fetish’ is. There’s a whole subculture of pretty people who play dress-up in rubber goth clothes and call it ‘fetish.’ That’s not my schtick, and I don’t think of that as fetish, because hot people in skimpy clothes seem to have an arousing affect on most folks and isn’t far from the basic procreation urge of finding a good specimen of the opposite sex to breed with. Granted I’ve seen a few weird specialized versions of that culture (asphyxiation, etc.), but most of it seemed like a sexualized Tim Burton film. I’m convinced that goth is to our present decade what hippydom were to the 80s (a repository for otherwise completely lost, unsophisticated people).

Anyway, back to me, I do have fetishes, yes. I like ideas. I don’t play dress-up or tie-up or anything, I just like to talk about domination, control, butts and other common fuck-talk. Yes, Lady P does the dirty talk with me. She’s good at it too.

Continuing with our meme, this week BishopX answers Waterhouse’s five questions.
1. In a freak twist of fate, you’ve been declared President of the United States. What do you do? Provide details, even if it involves immediately getting drunk on power. Actually, especially if it involves that.

That’s not an easy question.  A lot depends on the circumstances of my becoming POTUS, and what type of congress I have. First I’d probably do something stupid, like get a hummer in the oval office. Then I’d start trying to push some legislation to push my domestic agenda, improving health benefits for the working poor and elderly, and trying to find ways of eliminating homelessness. I’d also look into improving the quality of education for kids in inner cities and rural areas.

Next up would be foreign policy work. I’d set an aggressive time line for withdrawal of US troops from the middle east, and set up talks with leaders of many of those nations. I’d look at ways of lessening our dependence on foreign oil as well as working on improving alternative energy sources and power distribution.

Once I’d made the US a true world leader again, I’d quietly pass have legislation passed that would allow me to remain in power indefinitely. (Chavez did it wrong, you don’t announce that kind of thing, you sneak it past them while the focus is on bigger issues.)

And all would be well.

2. If you could have a single superpower - but only one - what would it be and why?

Now this is one I’ve thought quite a bit about. I’ve considered all the basics, flight, invisibility, speed, but I’d probably go with the Wolverine/Cheerleader/Adam healing factor. Sure it hurts, but you get over it pretty quickly. And I can do anything. Jump off a building? Sure. Lose a limb? No worries, it’ll grow back. And I’ll never have to worry about my liver again.

3. What makes you laugh? An open-ended question to answer any way you please.

Just about anything my kids do or say. There’s nothing better. (Except maybe the Wayne Brady Training Day skit from Chappelle’s Show.)

4. Name your power animal. (see instructions on question above)

I’ve never really thought about a power animal.  I suppose I could be cliche and say a black panther. Or if I wanted to stick with something analogous to my super power it would be a salamander.

5. What is the most delicious meal you’ve ever eaten?

This is a hard one.  Was it the burger I had as soon as I landed in Houston after being in the boondocks of West Africa for 2 months? Or was it the time a girlfriend brought live lobsters to my house and cooked them for me. They were both great, but not really for the food. Food wise, I’d go with the Columbian Beef Medallion at Cafe Red Onion in Houston. It’s a filet mignon coated in fresh roasted ground coffee and seared served over a Mango BBQ sauce along side fresh grilled veggies, plantains and fried onions. For dessert, I had the Chocolate Tres Leches, A blend of three different types of milk and Dark Rum soaked in a delicious Chocolate cake topped with chocolate-whipped cream & garnished with berry & mango sauces. It was sooo decadent!

Following is Murdered Duchess’s interview with Waterhouse in the latest edition of the blog meme, “Five Questions.”

1. Please compose an eloquent, succinct and succulent essay of stylistically compelling and grammatically immaculate prose* regarding three (3) of the following topics:

• First sex
• Best sex
• Worst sex
• Butt sex

Nice try but there is no way I am going to talk about this over the open internets. Sorry, Duchess.

Seriously.

Oh…all right.

As you are very well aware, my favorite butt sex experience was with you in the Tijuana that time we were running from the Federales and the Cali cartel. We were on top of that industrial washing machine and I remarked that your ass-blush looked particularly becoming under the fluorescent lighting, remember?

Ah, memories.

2. Complete this sentence:

I wish my life were like a _____________ book, but it’s really like a ___________________ film.  (Order can be reversed)

I wish my life were like a Coen Brothers film, but it’s really like Ken Burns documentary. Nothing really happens and there should be more ninjas.

3. You get to spend the day living as a powerful despot/dictator, from any period of time, at any point during their reign.  Whom would you pick, and why?

This is a tough question and one worthy of careful consideration. After all, there as so many great options to chose from; Stalin during the purges; Mao during the Cultural Revolution; Maximilien Robespierre during the Great Terror; Kim Jong Il at any point of batshit craziness.

It’s not easy to pick just one, but I’m going to have to pick Julius Caesar on account of the way he handled the Gauls and the fact he had the best robes.

4. What are you wearing right now?

Jeans. Yello polo shirt. Shoes. CHUD-festooned underoos.

5. Looking back at the past year of my life makes you want to:
a) laugh
b) cry
c) hurl
d) all of the above

Explain your answer.

It may irk the miserable among you, but this past year really hasn’t been that bad. In fact, it’s been the opposite of bad. After many years stuck in a dead-end job, I quit, enrolled in (and have now mostly finished) a graduate degree related to public policy and security matters, and signed on as an associate editor for a book on cybercrime. With newly-minted free time (see aforementioned dead-end job), I’ve even found time for a social life for myself – one that includes actual women, even.