The latest installment of our blog meme, five questions, has BishopX interviewing Spazmo:

1. Who would you say has most shaped your life?

My first thought here was to list all the men who helped me define who I am. Who did I model myself after? Who allowed me to develop more distinct lines that define the various aspects of who I am, thus making me better equipped to respond to new situations with a psychotic lack of self-doubt. But as an aging prick once put it, the key to being creative is not to reveal your sources. So I said “fuggit” and went online looking for funny quotes from obscure people that would make you think I’m well-read.  I though of Lin Chi (Lin–Chee) who said “When you meet the Buddha on the road – kill him.” But That made me think of Carrot-Top and so I turned on the TV to get that out of my mind. Then I remembered Master Xiangming Zhang (See-Three-Pee-Oh) who said something about puddles. After that I got bored and tried to sleep. Then I thought that maybe I should tell the truth.

The truth is that I don’t remember who my original sources for myself were and it wouldn’t matter much anyway if I didn’t have very good friends and mostly-well-intentioned family who have helped me be in the position I am today – sober and relatively stable. In particular, Lady P has been the first and best support I’ve ever had in getting cleaned up and actually living my life as opposed to existing day-to-day, which is what I did for 22 years. So I’m actually happy now, and I owe her a lot. I owe a lot to my friends who have helped me out. And that’s more heartfelt than talking about Benjamin Franklin or Steve Albini.

2. What is the most emotionally draining/uplifting experience you’ve had?

I remember crying when I left Africa. Quietly. In a manly way, though. I cried not because of the bad things I’d seen there, or because I felt sorry for people, but because it generally hurt me to leave. Friendliness is a sort of African cultural trait and there was a warmth and a kindness there that, despite the poverty, disease and harshness I was going to miss very much. This was made worse because I was going back to England, where cuntiness is a cultural trait.

3. Choose which one turns you on most and tell why: butt, boobs or brains.

I like butts and I don’t know why.

4. If you could bring anyone back to life, who would it be?

My initial answer was “my own penis,” but I’ve lowered my SSRI dose, and he seems to be waking up all on his own. Say hi to the good people!

5. Do you have any interesting fetishes? And does Lady P indulge them?

See, now that’s an interesting question, because it depends on what your definition of ‘fetish’ is. There’s a whole subculture of pretty people who play dress-up in rubber goth clothes and call it ‘fetish.’ That’s not my schtick, and I don’t think of that as fetish, because hot people in skimpy clothes seem to have an arousing affect on most folks and isn’t far from the basic procreation urge of finding a good specimen of the opposite sex to breed with. Granted I’ve seen a few weird specialized versions of that culture (asphyxiation, etc.), but most of it seemed like a sexualized Tim Burton film. I’m convinced that goth is to our present decade what hippydom were to the 80s (a repository for otherwise completely lost, unsophisticated people).

Anyway, back to me, I do have fetishes, yes. I like ideas. I don’t play dress-up or tie-up or anything, I just like to talk about domination, control, butts and other common fuck-talk. Yes, Lady P does the dirty talk with me. She’s good at it too.