The next time you ride an elevator, you will realize that someone is very happy to see you.

In your next life, you will be raised by Alsatian dogs.  Well-dressed Alsatian dogs.

Patience is for losers who don’t know what they want.

Frankie says relax.

You’re very hungry. Have another go at this.

Others CAN tell you haven’t showered today, and they’re secretly holding it against you.

The fact that you don’t have a spouse and kids means you have less to lose and you are therefore less reliable as an employee.

The jumbo sized bag of Sour Patch Kids at the assistants’ station will be your undoing.

You will meet a tall, geeky stranger, and you will fornicate furiously in the middle stall in the men’s room on the seventh floor.

Your potential is as wide as the Pacific Ocean, but as shallow as the urine spatter on the floor of the men’s restroom.

The Chicago Manual of Style can be redundant.  The Chicago Manual of Style can be redundant.

Your potential is as wide as the Pacific Ocean, but as shallow as the urine spatter on the floor of the men’s restroom.

Awesome.  Truly.

ok, I couldn’t think of anything better for shallow, so I just went with gross.

You will marry your date from Craigslist. Fool.

The next time you masturbate, your cat will watch, and you will feel ashamed because that does not stop you.

It’s too late for Plan A. Go with Plan B.

You will start meeting strange men on Craigslist, and you will not be able to stop.  It will end badly, in a motel room in Canada.  Someone will be eaten by a bear.

Biology is the concept, not the connection.

Don’t worry, it’s just the coffee talking.

One of your bosses admires you greatly, the other despises you.  Neither is who you think it is.

My goodness MD you’re fertile today.  Your prolific postings bubbling with clever goodness.

Your mother wishes she had been more rigourous with her birth control.  But when?

You will become bored by straight pr0n and begin unabashedly exploring gay pr0n.

fertile bubblings. -snicker- Have you been reading Victorian smut, ToP?

My goodness MD you’re fertile today

A stranger will inadvertently remind you that your menses are running behind schedule, and you will panic.

The jumbo sized bag of Sour Patch Kids at the assistants’ station will be your undoing.

My ex had a frighteningly voracious appetite for sweets.  We once purchased a large fish bowl shaped container of lollipops at Costco.  I believe it was intended for retail vending.  Anyhoos I arrived home to find her disoriented and squeezed into the corner of the sofa.  She confessed to eating the entire container full.  I was gobsmacked.  It simply did not seem possible.

You will marry the first man who lets you penetrate him.  The divorce will be quick and painless, as you are both poor.

The line from the fortune cookie: You just snorted it.

You will be tempted to ask if ToP’s ex was orally gifted in other ways, but you will stop yourself, b/c really, that’s just sick, and what the hell is wrong with you?

Tempted by the fortune cookie of another.

You will be tempted to fashion nipple tassles out of Post-It flags, and try them on in the ladies’ room.  Don’t.

You will become bored with gay pr0n and start unabashedly exploring Teletubby pr0n.

You will marry the first man who lets you penetrate him.

So you think he’s the one, but do you really have him pegged?

Desperate for a creative outlet, you will begin knitting dildo cozies for your coworkers, but you will call them banana bruise guards.

You will howl at your own beauty like a dog in heat.

It is said that the vagina adapts to the size of any penis. Just not yours.

So you think he’s the one, but do you really have him pegged?

Ha!

banana bruise guards.

You could have a safe sex themed pool party by cutting up one of those water noodles.

You will die from a cocaine overdose with your newly rhinoplastied nose nuzzled in the ass cleavage of a 19 year old stripper.  Your name starts with a B.

pool noodling

The stripper is actually 46, and a man, but you are too vain to wear glasses and thus do not notice.

You will pool noodle with a Canadian solicitor.  And then you will bite off his head, as is your custom.

Your name starts with a B.

balderdash?! I knew she was durty.

So I was snorting blow off this guy’s pool noodle when some biatch splashed me…

Balderdash has a lovely nose!

when some biatch splashed me…

Got yerself a squirter, eh?

You will creat, creat, write, make, print and get old.

You will be too lazy to go into ExpressionEngine and fix your own typos.

And then you will bite off his head, as is your custom.

There is really nothing in it in terms of pondering the ambiguity in that sentence.

sigh, I gotta do some work. felt good to let go for a bit.

sigh, I gotta do some work. felt good to let go for a bit.

There’s beauty in the breakdown - Imogen Heap

Oh, it’s so amazing here…