stripper slut from out-
er space is not a good look
for the office, ho.

Dear Republicans,

It’s your turn in the barrel.  We’ll try to be more gracious while you’re in there than you were when the roles were reversed.

Dear Democrats,

Don’t count on winning by default. We need you to stand up for once and help us out. Get aggressive. Get a plan. Please. I don’t want to live in Gattaca anymore.

/signs Spazmo’s letter John Hancock-stlye

Ode to ex who cheated on and left me

Nice to see you
gazing, confused
at a handful of screws
at Home Depot
You lost all your friends
and you’re enormous now
I can’t imagine why I cried at all

Asshole Billy,
“$500 if you 2 make it a year.”
We’ve been at it for 30
Pay up you queer.

Two “Leadership Class” teachers from my high school,

I know you loved my opponent for Student Council president like a son.  I know you’d had him under your wing since he was a freshman.  I know I was a weird kid with some authority issues who did not correlate to any kid you’d ever had to deal with as sponsors.

You still shouldn’t have flipped the voting results to get your boy for one more year.  I know what you did, and it cost me my best (and as it turned out, only) shot at scholarship money.

My life turned out pretty damn well anyway.  But shame on you both.

Damn GoatBoy, that sucks.
You should have gone all Tracy
Flick on their asses.

That is really terrible, Goatboy. That pisses me off just hearing about it.

Too bad the only people that will take teaching jobs are such losers. Usually.

Oh, Dude Who Sticks His Schlong on Co-Worker’s Desks.
Forgive me kindly while I make a request.
A man in your shoes might wisely choose to refrain
From suggesting “mirrors on the ceiling” ever again.
And Yes, how nice to leer while my nose I pick
And hope for skyward glance at your shivering dick
I fear that your throbbing manhood would likely precede
Some six months in Rykers, a group home, a list; best take heed.

Hey, now you’re talking about mah ol’ lady, Spaz.

(What’s worse?  She teaches at the alma mater.  Where both of these sad cases still work.  For some strange reason they won’t look me in the eye when we bump into each other in the hallways.  Go figure.)

"You should have gone all Tracy
Flick on their asses."

I just couldn’t do it.  It was a “fight with a cripple” scenario.  Couldn’t win even if I won:

Make a stink, they cover their asses sufficiently and I spend my entire senior year as that sad sore loser, or

Make a stink, be vindicated and spend one period per year in the classroom with these two people who would resent my presence (existance).  And I’m sure those recommendation letters at the end of the year would have been suitable for framing!

*one period all year, that is

Dear Excel
I’d like to end your spell
Enchanted, you have us
Making all this big fuss
Your arcane and tempermental rules
Make me feel like an ape who can’t even handle tools
My loathing for you surpasses
Those who in crowded trains pass gasses
I can translate Cervantes and Lorca
And on a map point out Majorca
But your flat canvas confuses
And those computer lessons I wish I had not refused
I thought I was a poet
No need to to-and-fro it
Everyone said
You’re fucked in the head
If you think a living
And mad party giving
Can be had from the arts
Alas, my soul starts
To contemplate the sell out
But I hate these computers and want to get the hell out.

When I send you an email, have the decency to at least READ it before you respond w/ a bunch of shit that does not answer or even address my question.  I keep my emails haiku-length so that people can read them without getting bored.  Heaven forbid one should get bored while “working” (ie looking for Facts of Life memorabilia on eBay).