If you want to send somebody fruit, send them Florida oranges or Harry & David pears. Do not send them sliced up fruit cocktail that has been man-handled by some nose-picking high school twit and then left to mildew.

Having a great way with the fraze to day Lady P.

Thank you, GS!

"Left to Mildew” sounds like a perfect title for a no-budget student B-movie. I like!

As for sending fruit, that just seems like a big “Huh?”—take grapes to someone in the hospital as you visit (because there’s nothing finer for the bed-ridden than a good dose of the shits).

Harry & David Pears are pretty delicious, actually. And, as I’ve mentioned, a cool fresh-picked Florida orange is like a big juicy bite out of the ass of God.

California oranges are inferior. I’ve never had a fresh California orange, but I trust the opinion of Parker, a native Californian.

I prefer Florida avocados to the California ones. Now there’s a gift that’s appropriate for any occasion. Congratulations on your new beauty queen title! Please accept this aligator pear as a token of my esteem!