Alarm goes off at 5, I roll out of bed about 5mins later. I head to the bathroom to freshen up, shower and what not. I wake up the family at 5:40 and get their day started. By 6:00 I’m usually downstairs cooking breakfast. Everyone out the door by 6:30. In the office by 7.

I get home shortly after 7. Medicate, shit, shower, eat, surf and then snooze.

Up ~7:00. Pee. Coffee and cig in front of computer. Pack lunchboxes. Necessary morning paperwork (euphemism alert!) Take GoatKids to school. Moar coffee, nother cig, computer. Wet hair, make presentable, brush teeth. Go to classes.

Get up, massage the cat. Go to gym, swim laps, sauna, shower and then have coffee and watch morning show in the lounge. Come home, change into work clothes. Masturbate, cry and then go to work.

Alarm goes off at 8:30. Hit snooze button. Alarm goes off at 8:39. Hit snooze button. Alarm goes off at 8:48. Hit snooze button. Alarm goes off at 8:57. Hit snooze button. Alarm goes off at 9:06. Turn alarm off, pick up Esme, pet Esme. Get up. Feed cat. Use bathroom. Take shower. Dry off. Lie down on bed and pet Esme again. Get dressed. Go to Subway. Read New Yorker. Trek across WTC site. Climb stairs. Go down stairs. Climb stairs. Climb stairs. Climb more stairs. Say hello to everybody. Turn on computer. Get diet soda. Check in on FJ. Open links. Start work.

I wake up at 6:00. I go back to bed because it’s too damn early (unless I want to work out at the club. Some days I go work out with Oprah and Jesse Jackson). Then I get up at 7:00. I decide whether or not I want to call in sick. I masturbate and check the weather. Then shower, making sure that my butt is clean. Dress, and go to subway. Mock the other subway riders. Tell a bunch of people to quit smoking already. Walk an extra block to work because the President-elect’s security is blocking my regular path. Get to work, crack open a diet soda and then get on the interwebs.

Weeping.  A lot of weeping.

One time I masturbated in the morning and I ended up being late to work.  And it was the one time a year when my boss actually noticed anything I did before noon and was all pissy.  I blamed the train.  I mean, what else was I going to do, explain that I was violating myself whilst fantasizing about being hogtied and spanked by Ted Kennedy?

Oh, i forgot brush teeth. I do brush my teeth in there. Really, i swear. Just before I get in the shower.

Brush your teeth IN the shower. It saves time.

I spend about 5 minutes brushing my tooth.

and don’t laugh cause it’s NOT FUNNY!

My morning poutine features congealed cheese curds and gravy. Sweet, sweet gravy.

no, not funny per se, but it sure as hell is cute!
speckled puppy cute.

Alarm, 5:30. At my office all perky and coiffed at 8:00.

In between I do the coffee pot, do some paperwork, feed and muck up after the horses, feed the dogs, the cats, brush one tooth or the other, wet the fluffy hair-do down, gather the lunch materials, gym clothes, choose a fabulous and fashionable wardrobe from a dazzling array of chinos and tee shirts, or skirt and sweater if I’m feeling absolutely foxy and drive for an hour through maddening school zones, while doing my eyeliner and stuff.
Once I get to the emotional maelstrom that is my workplace, it all seems worth it somehow. Not.

Oh, you should also skip breakfast. This whole “breakfast is the most important meal” is a scam being perpetrated by the cereal makers and the Eggs and Bacon Board.

I wake about an hour before I get up, and spend that time looking at myself in the bathroom mirror and weeping for all the people who will never get to see my perfect visage.

Then I go back to bed to work up the tears for the following morning.

I do collect the tears in little vials and test tubes, so if you’d like some, just say so.

And paypal me $99.95.

I wake about an hour before I get up, and spend that time looking at myself in the bathroom mirror and weeping for all the people who will never get to see my perfect visage.

I do that, too. I forgot to mention.