This morning Parker emailed me, “There are times to be gracious in victory. That said, I hope you spend most of today sending e-mails to your dad.” My father’s the kind of guy with lots of wisdom to give, if wisdom smells like horseshit. He likes to let everyone argue their points out about politics, watch their voices rally and raise and then, when somebody’s near tears, lift his finger and say, in a quieter voice, “Listen.” He is a man convinced of his own underdog genius.

When I was younger, I bought into it. I even enjoyed rallying with him, taking the opposite side (whether or not I believed in it), to engage in a spirited but convivial discussion of politics of the day. Communism, is it bad? Do the homeless really want to be homeless? But after a time, the myth he’d made for himself could no longer sustain disbelief.

After all, it is with this quiet, patient, determined, old-man-on-the-mountain manner he has delivered the following pearls (warning, some of this is racist and rottenly offensive):

• The Japanese are trying to destroy America by moving their families over, ruining their homes, and destroying our property values. When our property values go, our economy goes with it. And because they’re taking all our jobs, we won’t be able to buy new houses. That’s their plan.
• Global warming isn’t happening, it’s just part of a 7-year warming/cooling cycle that the earth has been experiencing since the beginning of time.
• If women lift weights, it makes their voices lower, their muscles bulge. Men like a woman to be soft. For exercise, they should stick to walking, golf and tennis, and they shouldn’t do any of those things too vigorously. Look at what happened to Martina Navratilova!
• If we ever let down our guard around Russians, they will take over our country. Russians are hoping to take over our land. They’d nuke us to pieces for our breadloaves.
• Apartheid is a good idea, because if they end it, then South African blacks will revolt and kill everybody. They’re not bad, the blacks, they are just very simple people and they need our protective guidance in order not to kill each other.
• You have to have children. You’re a woman, and you’re smart, and it would be a waste of your genes if you didn’t become a mother. You should have as many children as possible, because all the (insert racial epithet) are having them, and they’re not as smart as you are, and you have to keep up with the race or the world’s going to turn to shit.
• Gay men are going to take over the country because they have all that extra income. They use the money they would have spent on children to convert youngsters.
• Croatia will start the third world war, because all world wars start in Croatia. Croatian people are mean and war-like, and that’s why you (meaning me, Penelope) have an attitude problem.
• Welfare is bad for poor people. What’s better is if we give the rich enough money so that they can afford to give them jobs. If you teach somebody to fish...
• Global warming is real, but it’s a natural cycle, just like the ice age, and there’s nothing we can do about it.
• The guy at the Oldsmobile Dealership has a star next to my (Dad’s) name, and he gives me special prices that nobody else ever sees. So we can’t get a Toyota, because that would mean I wouldn’t have a star. Toyotas are part of the Japanese plan to destroy America anyway.
• Races are sort of like dog breeds, where they just are what they are and they don’t change. If you look at the bible, you’ll see that Arabs have always been thieving horse traders.
• If you want to get a computer, the best to go with is a Dell. They are known for their high quality and great customer service.

I can’t sit there, of course, and listen to these seemingly reasoned rants with a straight face. We always end up arguing. But when he really feels he’s losing the battle, he pulls out the finger, lowers his voice to a whisper, and tells the same story each time. It doesn’t matter if we’re talking about the Cold War or global warming, all arguments end here:

“Did you know that Richard Gere is gay? You know how I know he’s gay? I’ll tell you how I know. I had a patient, who was a model. Yeah. And he was offered a job on the cover of a magazine, a really big magazine, but ... only ... if ... he, you know, with the editor.” As much as my father expected me to go to college and stuff, it goes without explanation, to my father, that the editor would be a man. “And the next month, who was on the cover? Richard Gere. See, I hear things at the office. I have patients come in and tell me stuff, all sorts of stuff. So I know more about (whatever issue the conversation started on) than you ever will.”

So, as you know, back in Europe, Dad patiently explained to me why Eliot Spitzer could never win governorship. But he has a 40-point lead! “No,” Dad said, “he could never win. Because, now listen to me, now listen, one moment just listen,” (he raises the finger), “20 years ago he had information on a court case, and he should’ve given up that information, and he didn’t. He kept it to himself. Which is illegal. He did an illegal thing and he knows it. So what I’m telling you is, Eliot Spitzer will never became governor of New York. I’m just telling you what I know.” But Dad, he’s forty points ahead… “I’m just telling you. Look, I know things. Did you know Richard Gere was gay?”

I suppose the humanizing element here is that my dad really believes the car salesman keeps a gold star next to his name.

Well, as you know, yesterday Spitzer won by a forty-point margin. Parker thinks my father deserves an email. I will probably write one, but it will go something like this. “Dad, Eliot Spitzer won yesterday by a forty-point margin. I just want you to know that after talking to you about this in Europe, I didn’t vote for him. See, Dad, I joined the communist party...”