Then we can swing by MIT and taunt the virgins.

Will Bevets be there? Oh, wait, science gives him an itchy rash. Never mind.

If you can find a way to abuse fruit and cottage cheese, knock yerself out.

Between you and Spazmo, someone will find a way.

they’ll replace your TV both times you break it.

Y’all are so kinky!

No, we just rock a little harder than everybody else rocks. ROCK STARS!

Actually, the TV broke because we left it on for security purposes and burned out the bulb. The first night we stayed at a class act with a king-sized bed and lamps and a blowdryer in the bathroom and a kitchen, the next two nights we traded down for the sort of motel that has fake wood paneling and old-style room keys (which Spazmo lost). But the staff was most attentive, and the rooms were only $75.

We all need a vacay.  Everyone come up to Boston and we can all go down to BU and throw stuff at the freshmen.  Always a great stress relief.

Then we can swing by MIT and taunt the virgins.

they’ll replace your TV both times you break it.

Y’all are so kinky!

(though if you’ll let me hang at your new digs and let me shamelessly abuse your kitchen and the contents thereof, I won’t say no).

All Jerries are welcome to my new digs!

If you can find a way to abuse fruit and cottage cheese, knock yerself out.

If you go to Ocean City, the Sea Scape motel looks like a run-down little hovel but it’s only 75 bucks a night and they’ll replace your TV both times you break it.

I kick your crappy coworker’s ass and you kick my crappy coworker’s ass?

Oh, hell, I’ll kick your crappy co-worker’s ass for the exercise and stress relief… no payback required (though if you’ll let me hang at your new digs and let me shamelessly abuse your kitchen and the contents thereof, I won’t say no).

Fuck, I need a vacation.

I’m about ready to do mayhem on this coworker I bitched about yesterday. I gave him shit to do yesterday… surprise, he didn’t do it.

Hey, I’ve got one of those coworkers too!  How ‘bout a Strangers on a Train style switcheroo, I kick your crappy coworker’s ass and you kick my crappy coworker’s ass? 

Except, you know, minus the blatant homoerotica—I’m skeered of what Dimmer would do if I tried to steal his woman.

But does it smell? 

Try putting the Banana Boat green aloe vera gel in the fridge, then put it on your face.  Feels wonderful on sunburned skin.

I am also told it feels pretty good on balls.  I would not know.

I’m about ready to do mayhem on this coworker I bitched about yesterday. I gave him shit to do yesterday… surprise, he didn’t do it. I came in to find a pissed off email from one of our VPs regarding an issue he was working on with her yesterday… the end of his shift came and he basically told her, “sorry, you’re on your own, I gotta go.”

I’m freezing. My face looks like I’ve been in a fire, thanks to the sunburn I got in ocean city.

Also:

The Woodchuck Defense would make a great name for a band.

Have I complained about this before?

My dermatologist gave me this cream that’s been super for my face.  Unforch, it smells funky.  All day I’m catching whiffs of funk and they are coming from my face.

Not good.  Not good at all.

The insult deliverer may just have a poor grasp of the lingo: in other situations, have they shown any sign of erudition?

In the stacks at the University liberry. Pretty sure the statute of limitations has run out n that one.

No-one submits full scripts these days do they? In which case, shouldn’t the approving reader have gone to the writers habitat and smashed an IBM Selectrix into their brain until they caught a clue?

By the time the ms gets to me, it’s already in-house for production.  But believe me, there are some seriously shitty textbooks being written. 

Re: the insult, fuck.  I was hoping I was overreacting.

I need a drink.

Strange but true, he dared not speak of his love to anyone.  It was the kind of love he knew no one would understand, the love between a man and a fish.

I have a 900 page manuscript in front of me, printed in Comic Sans font.

*head ‘splodes*

You get a great hair day, you get a “I want to claw my eyes out from the inside” day.

No-one submits full scripts these days do they? In which case, shouldn’t the approving reader have gone to the writers habitat and smashed an IBM Selectrix into their brain until they caught a clue?

“ I don’t find you a problem—not, at least, in this respect” --

that’s an insult, right?

Yeah, in a very mealy mouthed way. It implies that in pretty much all other ways you are a problem.

Could be the speaker knows not what they say, or was gum flapping, or meant to say the opposite “The only problem I have with you is X”.

Did it seem insulting? Delivery?

that’s an insult, right?

Yes an insult, to the English language.

Christ. Let’s sick Dimmer on them. That’s bullshitty, Duchess. Watch out for the bitch or bastard.

Not to take away from the (super super hot) fantasy of bish violating himself 35000 above the ground, but:

If someone writes to you that they “ I don’t find you a problem—not, at least, in this respect” --

that’s an insult, right?

Weirdest place I’ve violated myself: On an overnight flight between Houston and W. Africa. in my seat, not the bathroom.

Does that count as an entry in the Mile High Club?

The ferris wheel is the scariest ride EVAH. Something about rounding the top, no tracks in front of you, suspended with no obvious support in your visual field is fucking freaky. The drop rides are a close second but they’re quick and then over.

See the link I just posted: “It could happen to you.”

Let me restate, I tried to seem unafraid to keep LP calm. But I was feeling a bit panicky myself.

While locational specifics are sketchy, I’ve had a firm awareness every time I’ve violated myself.

He got a ticket to ride, he got a ticket to ride, he got a ticket to ride, and he don’t care. My baby don’t care.

Actually, I was skeered on the ferris wheel. I kept saying things like “That’s nothing” when the audible groan of metal fatigue was heard.

Lady Penelope’s white knuckle terror on the ferris wheel in Ocean City was briefly interrupted by a firm awareness that Spazmo knows no fear.

firm awareness

hee hee

The toilets in a movie theater in London.

It was a reaaaaally boring movie.

Oh, you just know there’s a story there.

No story, just a firm awareness that Spazmo knows no fear.

Weirdest place I’ve violated myself: in the car while driving.

Don’t give him any ideas. He’ll do it.

Oh, you just know there’s a story there.  Come on, LP, fess up.  Where did he do it?  On the bus?  Ferris wheel in Ocean City?  Off the Bay Bridge while holding up traffic?  In church?

Another nixed Jerry Up idea: where’s the weirdest place you’ve violated yourself?

I wanna masturbate. But I’m at work.

I have a friend who can just cross her legs very tightly and flex her PC muscles and come 4 times in a row.  Very useful for when one is bored at work.

Somehow, I don’t think I could manage to whip out ye ole Magic Wand without anyone noticing.

Don’t give him any ideas. He’ll do it.

That’s what the handicapped stalls are for Spazmo.

I wanna masturbate. But I’m at work.

I guess I’ll do some work instead.

CHUDerberry Tales.
The CHUDsucker Proxy.
Air CHUD.

Miami CHUD
King of the CHUD
American CHUD
Family CHUD
The CHUD Manual of Style (not a TV show but nonetheless would be awesome)

/LP is so going to kick our ass

Holy crap, CHUD in Charge—awesome.

New CHUD in the neighborhood
Lives downstairs and it is understood.
He’s there just to take good care of me,
Like he’s one of the family.

And I sing, I want, I want CHUD in Charge of me.

You forgot CHUD In Charge and CHUDrider.

CHUD Acres would totally make a great TV show.

CHUD’s Anatomy
America’s Next Top CHUD
Top CHUD
So You Think You Can Dance with CHUD?
One CHUD at a Time
The CHUD is Right
Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grade CHUD?

Driver’s license # DUI 1.75.1.00

Or BAC: 3.00

When am I allowed to throw sharp, pointy objects at my co-workers? Once again, I walk in to discover that the work I’d left in someone else’s hands remained undone. I don’t know WHAT he was doing because there was also an email in the inbox from 5 pm - a full HOUR before the end of his shift and we’re supposed to take care of them within 15 minutes.

Oh, wait, I know what he was doing… making googly-eyed, baby talk calls to his new girlfriend and playing Sudoku on some website.

CHUD Acres would totally make a great TV show.

Rory O’rourke here.
24 12-Ounce Lane
Pilsner, Minnesota

Blood type: 80 proof

Driver’s license # DUI 1.75.1.00

Phone 1-900-IOU CASH.

Anyway, my name is Philomena Crabtree, I live on 724 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield Massachusetts, my SSN is 123-45-6789, blood type O positive

Biff VanderCleef, 1212 Bacon Blvd., CHUD Acres, New York.

My checking account is 98 765 432 210. Routing is 2121212121.

Did anyone know that there was a 2000 remake of Hamlet starring Ethan Hawke?

Somewhere, subtitled’s head just ‘sploded.